Zen Living

In my constant quest to evolve into a better person and handle stress better, I have been reading Zen Living (and since I'm a complete idiot, I thought this particular book would serve me well!)

Okay, a lot of the principles are a little "Hippy Dippy" to me, but I really want to start focusing on some of the principles.

One misconception is that Zen Living replaces your current religion. Living Zen is more of a way of living and viewing life than a religion and it really would work with any religion (at least the Christian religions that I am familiar with.)

The principle that I have really tried to wrap my brain around and practice today is simply "Living in the NOW" and letting go of worries of yesterday and tomorrow. I have always been guilty of rushing through life trying to accomplish SOMETHING and putting off living until I had reached that goal.

Living consciously. It sounds simple and intuitive, but really... think about it... how often do you stop to live in the moment and make an effort to enjoy EVERY moment of your day? I walked out in a slight drizzle tonight from work. Normally I would have been running to the car and driving as fast as I could to get home. Tonight, I walked slowly, enjoying the feeling of the cool drizzle, the odd-colored sky, and the fresh, crisp air. I noticed how several "weeds" that had sprung up on the hillside had sprung beautiful purple flowers in the most unusual shapes. I rolled my windows down a little on the way home and turned off the radio. It was so relaxing and I'm sure the Def Leppard rock marathon didn't miss me at all.

Lexapro was created by the devil

I went to my doctor (who I really don't know) approximately 6 months ago because I was just feeling EXHAUSTED all the time. Okay, keep in mind I have a lot that I'm trying to balance so not feeling overwhelmed would mean I wasn't human!

Anyway, my stranger doc said I was probably depressed and gave me a bunch of samples of Lexapro. Really? Okay, I don't blame the doc b/c business is business and I DO have a mind of my own, but I never complained of being depressed and he never told me how HARD coming off Lexapro would be. So, being unaware of the implications, I started!

Okay, so you're probably wondering what is so bad about being on Lexapro... Well, first of all the reason I went to the doc was because I was SO tired. Lexapro gave me the most vivid, crazy, disturbing dreams I've ever had. Talk about exhaustion! I never felt like I slept!

Number two, I gained weight FAST. I wasn't eating more. I just gained weight. What the heck is that about?

Number three, I stopped having emotions at all. Sure, I was irritable anymore, but gosh I didn't feel ANYTHING anymore. Even worse, I didn't care if I got out of bed and went to work or not. I just didn't care about anything.

After mixing a week of work (and a day or two of showers) I decided Lexapro was NOT for me and that we, as a society, think we must have a stupid pill to fix everything. Feeling fat? Don't cut out the ice cream...just take this pill! Feeling sad? Don't work on coping techniques and adjust your life... just take this pill! It is CRAZY! And all the while the drug companies are booming!

So I decided to go off Lexapro and then came REAL depression, nausea, dizziness, and an emotional roller coaster that makes Six Flags seem like child's play. Going cold-turkey off Lexapro isn't a good option.

Instead, what I've done is gradually cut my dose down everyday by maintaining the reduced dose for about a month. Yesterday, I started feeling like myself again. Yes, I do feel irritable at times but gosh! It feels great just to FEEL!

I'm not saying that Lexapro is terrible for everyone, but I do think that doctors throw out drugs like Santa throws out candy at a Christmas parade and that sometimes people take drugs that make their lives (and bodies!) worse, not better. I believe that sometimes when a person is overwhelmed, tired, or blue that perhaps it is time to reevaluate your life and make changes instead of making the drug companies rich.

Sushi and Red Wine

I met my dear friend out for sushi and red wine tonight. She is a friend that makes me feel naive and silly. Not on purpose, but just because she is SO much wiser and more mature than I am. I sometimes feel as if it has taken me a ridiculously long time to figure certain life truths out, like: 1) it is okay just to say "no." I've always said YES to everything or else thought I had to have a short story worth of excuses to say "no." My friend can simply just say NO without excuses or explanations. Simply NO. Wow.

My friend can also keep portions of her life secret. I tell everything about myself that anyone wants to know. She thinks it is nobody's business, and she is right. I always feel compelled to tell the "truth" when she can see that someone is being nosy and stepping outside of their bounds.

My friend is okay with being 30ish and single, while I've always felt I was somewhat of a failure if I hadn't lured some dude into being madly in love with me. At least I have learned that defining yourself through "some dude" is both fruitless and insane.

Enough rambling for tonight. See you tomorrow...

Day After Guilt

I feel guilty for my last post where I was mother-in-law bashing. I do! This is what I want to get over... these terrible feelings towards people....

I know not everyone is fair or kind or honorable. What I REALLY hate about the situation with my mother-in-law (and other people in my life that I also dislike for one reason or the other) is that I start to feel like I should be above pettiness. I wish that instead of getting angry or aggravated, that I could just rise above the situation.

Where I am lost is: how do I get there? How do I not allow other peoples' behavior to make me so angry or aggravated? I don't WANT to sit and daydream about choking my M-I-L (did I mention she use to lock her children in the dark basement????) See? I just can't let her bad behavior go! I am mad at not only how she treats me, but how she treats her own children.

But what I KNOW to be true is that you cannot change someone else's behavior or viewpoint, you can only change your own. So whatever I do I am going to find peace in my heart, even for M-I-L....

Oh GOD! HELP ME TOLERATE MY MOTHER IN LAW!!!! (Part One)

I try to be forgiving and understand why people act the way they do. I don't want to "hate" anyone (b/c my Mom always taught me that wasn't allowed.) I don't want to spend my thoughts daydreaming of choking someone. Enter Mother-in-Law.

I met this little woman (barely 90 lbs.) when I first started dating my hubby. She was bubbly, cheerful, funny, sweet. I thought "Oh thank GOODNESS I have a M-I-L I can be friends with!" She liked gardening, she drank wine, she was funny and kooky! GREAT!

Well, after the first meeting came the first E-MAIL. In this dripping with self-righteousness, hateful email she asserted that I was bound for hell if I tempt her son into having sex without being married, etc. etc. and how she doubted I had read my Bible. I couldn't believe it! Was this the same woman I had shared wine and laughs and dinner with? Was this the same woman I had spent 3 days making a special planter box for, filled with my own flowers, for Mother's Day? I never even got a "Thank you!" for the gift.

Since then, dealing with M-I-L has never been easy. I get at least 6 emails a day spewing evil about gay people, democrats, abortion, and on and on and on. Of course, she backs her vileness with religion b/c luckily M-I-L can find some scripture that says democrats go to hell.

The last email I read from M-I-L was 3 months ago. I hadn't heard from her in a personal email that wasn't forwarded in nearly 6 months, and I hadn't seen her or talked to her in over a year. It was two sentences. Here they are:

"Why do you call him Ben! His father and I named him Benton Christopher!" Oops. I guess that's another reason I'm condemned to hell. The next email she sent she was asking me for money. My hubby is TIGHT and we don't mix our money, so she begs me for money. Did I mention she has rarely ever worked and her hubby is an accountant?

My struggle is that I want to rise above M-I-L and not get so upset. I try to feel sorry for her and not get angry. Help!!!

Generosity and My Aunt Pat

In my constant quest to evolve and become a better woman, I bought a "light" introductory book about Buddhism: The Chocolate Cake Sutra by Geri Larkin.

I am only on page 52 but I've just been reading about the importance of generosity. This teaching made me think of my late Aunt Pat who died earlier this year, and totally proves the point of generosity.

My Aunt Pat was a poor woman, the wife of an alcoholic brick mason (who was the NICEST person I've ever met, hands down.) They lived in a trailer in a trailer park that should have been condemned, but her trailer was like a tulip in a field of ragweed. She had a little fence and beautiful flowers. She cleaned hotel rooms for a living and was 100 lbs if she weighed anything at all (her died consisted of a LOT of raw pasta.) She was a nervous little bird with a tendency to be mad at a neighbor all the time and she always had some craft project going. Aunt Pat made me my first teddy bears which I still cherish today, 25 years later.

When reading the bit on generosity from the Buddhist point of view, I couldn't help but think of my Aunt Pat. As I said, she was poor. POOR poor. But she had an out-building on her little lot which she stocked with Big-Lots specials, and every time I visited she wouldn't let me leave without giving me SOMETHING. ME, the girl who had graduated college, had new cars, once lived in the best neighborhood around in one of the biggest houses around on a golf-course. Aunt Pat made sure she gave me a something that SHE needed before I left from her stash. I loved her and I liked her.

As I said, Aunt Pat died earlier this year of cancer that spread to her brain. It started in her lungs and moved throughout her body. The last time I saw her was at my Dad's funeral with a cigarette in one hand and her inhaler in the other. I always had the good intention of visiting her after his death but never did. I didn't know she was dying. I didn't go to her funeral because I didn't even know she had died (I'll talk about that in ANOTHER blog!) I can add that to my list of regrets, but I want her to know that I love her, wherever she is, and I have learned SO much from her. I think of her all the time.

Toe in the water...

I'm afraid. I don't know why. I'm afraid of this blog! I don't want to be discovered! I've been so polite all of my life, always biting my tongue. Never wanting to disappoint by not being charming or attentive. But I'm going to burst. I am.

Tonight I have a toe in the water. I don't want to unleash all at once, so I'm testing the warm, friendly waters of the vast ocean of net where nobody knows me and nobody cares. I love the anonymity, if there is truly such a thing. Perhaps I just love the apathy here.

See you tomorrow. I can't wait.