I met my dear friend out for sushi and red wine tonight. She is a friend that makes me feel naive and silly. Not on purpose, but just because she is SO much wiser and more mature than I am. I sometimes feel as if it has taken me a ridiculously long time to figure certain life truths out, like: 1) it is okay just to say "no." I've always said YES to everything or else thought I had to have a short story worth of excuses to say "no." My friend can simply just say NO without excuses or explanations. Simply NO. Wow.
My friend can also keep portions of her life secret. I tell everything about myself that anyone wants to know. She thinks it is nobody's business, and she is right. I always feel compelled to tell the "truth" when she can see that someone is being nosy and stepping outside of their bounds.
My friend is okay with being 30ish and single, while I've always felt I was somewhat of a failure if I hadn't lured some dude into being madly in love with me. At least I have learned that defining yourself through "some dude" is both fruitless and insane.
Enough rambling for tonight. See you tomorrow...
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Day After Guilt
I feel guilty for my last post where I was mother-in-law bashing. I do! This is what I want to get over... these terrible feelings towards people....
I know not everyone is fair or kind or honorable. What I REALLY hate about the situation with my mother-in-law (and other people in my life that I also dislike for one reason or the other) is that I start to feel like I should be above pettiness. I wish that instead of getting angry or aggravated, that I could just rise above the situation.
Where I am lost is: how do I get there? How do I not allow other peoples' behavior to make me so angry or aggravated? I don't WANT to sit and daydream about choking my M-I-L (did I mention she use to lock her children in the dark basement????) See? I just can't let her bad behavior go! I am mad at not only how she treats me, but how she treats her own children.
But what I KNOW to be true is that you cannot change someone else's behavior or viewpoint, you can only change your own. So whatever I do I am going to find peace in my heart, even for M-I-L....
I know not everyone is fair or kind or honorable. What I REALLY hate about the situation with my mother-in-law (and other people in my life that I also dislike for one reason or the other) is that I start to feel like I should be above pettiness. I wish that instead of getting angry or aggravated, that I could just rise above the situation.
Where I am lost is: how do I get there? How do I not allow other peoples' behavior to make me so angry or aggravated? I don't WANT to sit and daydream about choking my M-I-L (did I mention she use to lock her children in the dark basement????) See? I just can't let her bad behavior go! I am mad at not only how she treats me, but how she treats her own children.
But what I KNOW to be true is that you cannot change someone else's behavior or viewpoint, you can only change your own. So whatever I do I am going to find peace in my heart, even for M-I-L....
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Oh GOD! HELP ME TOLERATE MY MOTHER IN LAW!!!! (Part One)
I try to be forgiving and understand why people act the way they do. I don't want to "hate" anyone (b/c my Mom always taught me that wasn't allowed.) I don't want to spend my thoughts daydreaming of choking someone. Enter Mother-in-Law.
I met this little woman (barely 90 lbs.) when I first started dating my hubby. She was bubbly, cheerful, funny, sweet. I thought "Oh thank GOODNESS I have a M-I-L I can be friends with!" She liked gardening, she drank wine, she was funny and kooky! GREAT!
Well, after the first meeting came the first E-MAIL. In this dripping with self-righteousness, hateful email she asserted that I was bound for hell if I tempt her son into having sex without being married, etc. etc. and how she doubted I had read my Bible. I couldn't believe it! Was this the same woman I had shared wine and laughs and dinner with? Was this the same woman I had spent 3 days making a special planter box for, filled with my own flowers, for Mother's Day? I never even got a "Thank you!" for the gift.
Since then, dealing with M-I-L has never been easy. I get at least 6 emails a day spewing evil about gay people, democrats, abortion, and on and on and on. Of course, she backs her vileness with religion b/c luckily M-I-L can find some scripture that says democrats go to hell.
The last email I read from M-I-L was 3 months ago. I hadn't heard from her in a personal email that wasn't forwarded in nearly 6 months, and I hadn't seen her or talked to her in over a year. It was two sentences. Here they are:
"Why do you call him Ben! His father and I named him Benton Christopher!" Oops. I guess that's another reason I'm condemned to hell. The next email she sent she was asking me for money. My hubby is TIGHT and we don't mix our money, so she begs me for money. Did I mention she has rarely ever worked and her hubby is an accountant?
My struggle is that I want to rise above M-I-L and not get so upset. I try to feel sorry for her and not get angry. Help!!!
I met this little woman (barely 90 lbs.) when I first started dating my hubby. She was bubbly, cheerful, funny, sweet. I thought "Oh thank GOODNESS I have a M-I-L I can be friends with!" She liked gardening, she drank wine, she was funny and kooky! GREAT!
Well, after the first meeting came the first E-MAIL. In this dripping with self-righteousness, hateful email she asserted that I was bound for hell if I tempt her son into having sex without being married, etc. etc. and how she doubted I had read my Bible. I couldn't believe it! Was this the same woman I had shared wine and laughs and dinner with? Was this the same woman I had spent 3 days making a special planter box for, filled with my own flowers, for Mother's Day? I never even got a "Thank you!" for the gift.
Since then, dealing with M-I-L has never been easy. I get at least 6 emails a day spewing evil about gay people, democrats, abortion, and on and on and on. Of course, she backs her vileness with religion b/c luckily M-I-L can find some scripture that says democrats go to hell.
The last email I read from M-I-L was 3 months ago. I hadn't heard from her in a personal email that wasn't forwarded in nearly 6 months, and I hadn't seen her or talked to her in over a year. It was two sentences. Here they are:
"Why do you call him Ben! His father and I named him Benton Christopher!" Oops. I guess that's another reason I'm condemned to hell. The next email she sent she was asking me for money. My hubby is TIGHT and we don't mix our money, so she begs me for money. Did I mention she has rarely ever worked and her hubby is an accountant?
My struggle is that I want to rise above M-I-L and not get so upset. I try to feel sorry for her and not get angry. Help!!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Generosity and My Aunt Pat
In my constant quest to evolve and become a better woman, I bought a "light" introductory book about Buddhism: The Chocolate Cake Sutra by Geri Larkin.
I am only on page 52 but I've just been reading about the importance of generosity. This teaching made me think of my late Aunt Pat who died earlier this year, and totally proves the point of generosity.
My Aunt Pat was a poor woman, the wife of an alcoholic brick mason (who was the NICEST person I've ever met, hands down.) They lived in a trailer in a trailer park that should have been condemned, but her trailer was like a tulip in a field of ragweed. She had a little fence and beautiful flowers. She cleaned hotel rooms for a living and was 100 lbs if she weighed anything at all (her died consisted of a LOT of raw pasta.) She was a nervous little bird with a tendency to be mad at a neighbor all the time and she always had some craft project going. Aunt Pat made me my first teddy bears which I still cherish today, 25 years later.
When reading the bit on generosity from the Buddhist point of view, I couldn't help but think of my Aunt Pat. As I said, she was poor. POOR poor. But she had an out-building on her little lot which she stocked with Big-Lots specials, and every time I visited she wouldn't let me leave without giving me SOMETHING. ME, the girl who had graduated college, had new cars, once lived in the best neighborhood around in one of the biggest houses around on a golf-course. Aunt Pat made sure she gave me a something that SHE needed before I left from her stash. I loved her and I liked her.
As I said, Aunt Pat died earlier this year of cancer that spread to her brain. It started in her lungs and moved throughout her body. The last time I saw her was at my Dad's funeral with a cigarette in one hand and her inhaler in the other. I always had the good intention of visiting her after his death but never did. I didn't know she was dying. I didn't go to her funeral because I didn't even know she had died (I'll talk about that in ANOTHER blog!) I can add that to my list of regrets, but I want her to know that I love her, wherever she is, and I have learned SO much from her. I think of her all the time.
I am only on page 52 but I've just been reading about the importance of generosity. This teaching made me think of my late Aunt Pat who died earlier this year, and totally proves the point of generosity.
My Aunt Pat was a poor woman, the wife of an alcoholic brick mason (who was the NICEST person I've ever met, hands down.) They lived in a trailer in a trailer park that should have been condemned, but her trailer was like a tulip in a field of ragweed. She had a little fence and beautiful flowers. She cleaned hotel rooms for a living and was 100 lbs if she weighed anything at all (her died consisted of a LOT of raw pasta.) She was a nervous little bird with a tendency to be mad at a neighbor all the time and she always had some craft project going. Aunt Pat made me my first teddy bears which I still cherish today, 25 years later.
When reading the bit on generosity from the Buddhist point of view, I couldn't help but think of my Aunt Pat. As I said, she was poor. POOR poor. But she had an out-building on her little lot which she stocked with Big-Lots specials, and every time I visited she wouldn't let me leave without giving me SOMETHING. ME, the girl who had graduated college, had new cars, once lived in the best neighborhood around in one of the biggest houses around on a golf-course. Aunt Pat made sure she gave me a something that SHE needed before I left from her stash. I loved her and I liked her.
As I said, Aunt Pat died earlier this year of cancer that spread to her brain. It started in her lungs and moved throughout her body. The last time I saw her was at my Dad's funeral with a cigarette in one hand and her inhaler in the other. I always had the good intention of visiting her after his death but never did. I didn't know she was dying. I didn't go to her funeral because I didn't even know she had died (I'll talk about that in ANOTHER blog!) I can add that to my list of regrets, but I want her to know that I love her, wherever she is, and I have learned SO much from her. I think of her all the time.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Toe in the water...
I'm afraid. I don't know why. I'm afraid of this blog! I don't want to be discovered! I've been so polite all of my life, always biting my tongue. Never wanting to disappoint by not being charming or attentive. But I'm going to burst. I am.
Tonight I have a toe in the water. I don't want to unleash all at once, so I'm testing the warm, friendly waters of the vast ocean of net where nobody knows me and nobody cares. I love the anonymity, if there is truly such a thing. Perhaps I just love the apathy here.
See you tomorrow. I can't wait.
Tonight I have a toe in the water. I don't want to unleash all at once, so I'm testing the warm, friendly waters of the vast ocean of net where nobody knows me and nobody cares. I love the anonymity, if there is truly such a thing. Perhaps I just love the apathy here.
See you tomorrow. I can't wait.
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